The Mermaid Process
by UncleMeg
Summary: The story of how Dumbledore's addiction to old school rap lead to the romance of Severus Snape and The Little Mermaid
1. Chapter 1

_**The Mermaid Process**_

Dumbledore's journey to recovery was slow but steady.

Not six months ago was he introduced to it and last month was the worse binge so far.

Oh, he was introduced to his dependency the old fashioned way: Peer-pressure. He remembered the day too. He had confiscated it from a student and, after much taunting and being called "a dickfart", curiosity had got the best of him. One taste, was all he ever needed and now 'twas all he ever needs.

Yes, life was good for the old man. Years of pretending to have on-set dementia had worked favorably. No one expected a lot from him and his days were nothing more than knitting, bread-grooming and talking Harry out of his habitual suicide attempts ("I MEAN IT THIS TIME PROFESSOR" "Yes yes Harry, have a deep-fried chocolate hand on a stick and you'll feel better"). Forging crippling Dementia, next to figuring out he could wear sweatpants underneath his robes without people noticing, had been his greatest accomplishment to date (Voldemort: "You know, not kicking my ass, like fourteen times, but not having to wear pants to work").

But woe, what was the temptation that waned his judgment so? Maybe it was the glamour of having an addiction that appealed to him. Oh how his brother could have the exciting world of alcoholism but he, 400-years-old, too scared to try Wizard Weed.

Life began tumbling downward. He went in telling himself only for an hour would he lose himself to this world but next thing he knew it was April and he hadn't left his chambers for the entire season of winter. He had been completely submersed: His language was renewed, all sentences fragments and all fragments gibberish. He cursed more, his favorite being "ass" and "dick" (Voldemort: "I could've told you that!"). He secluded himself, lashing out at others whenever attempts were made for him to socialize.

But after an intervention and hysterical crying, Dumbledore realized this had gone on for far too long. His addiction to Biggie Smalls had taken too much control over his life.

It has been three solid weeks now. McGonagall, the "controlling she-dick", had discarded all his CDs" as muggles formally called them, along with his illegally downloaded copy of the _NOTORIOUS_ movie and his animated poster of Christopher Wallace that conversed in only screaming ("I love you so much Biggie" "FUCK 2PAC!" "Yes, fuck both these _Pacs_").

Now, in order to deal with the shakes and to supplement his extreme cravings for an obese black man to scream lyrically at him, Dumbledore had decided to take up the art of people watching.

Seated comfortably in the teacher's lounge with a pen and pad before him, cupping hot tea in his hands, Dumbledore was able to enjoy investing his free time in a healthy hobby: Staring at Snape as much as he could.

"Albus…I thought we had this discussion…" Snape's rumbled softly from across the room, attempting to eat a sandwich.

"_Severus likes to talk while he eats a, what appears to be, a dry-as-dick turkey sandwich_." Dumbledore read aloud as he wrote.

"We agreed that you would stop watching me if I agreed to stop saying "No balls!" to Potter every time he gets the bluesies and tries to "end it all"…?"

"'_Severus just used "no balls" in a sentence. No sign of his usual sarcasm so I conclude he enjoyed using the term.'" _

"I did enjoy that phrase." Snape admitted but continued, "But—"

"'_He looks like a huge bat just eating a sandwich in the corner of the room_.'" Pause. "'_Maybe if I turn the lights on and off he'll fly away and go bang a bitch for once_.'"

Snape sighed, feeling the blood clot in his temple vibrating. "Albus I just had three hours of being privileged in supervising these little tumors, making sure that they were not touching each other, touching themselves or melting craters in the floors. So in the event that a student finally does do me the favor of burning me alive and ending it all and, in the event, that this is my final meal, I would greatly appreciate it if I could just devour this sandwich in _silence._"

There was a brief silence, which was only destroyed by the Headmaster adding on to his writings, "'_I told him not to get the sandwiches from here. The house elves always get him the dry-assiest-bread because they're convinced he's really a Chupacabra disguised as an old Mexican woman._'"

"Albus that is eno—" But Snape's sentence was cut short by the abrupt sounds of involuntary choking. This was confirmed by the actual sight of the Potion's Master choking.

Dumbledore looked up from his completed thought to see his fellow colleague turning blue and clutching his chest in agony, paused and then went back to his pad to jot down another detail.

"'_Snape is choking.'"_ Dumbledore grabbed his wand to take action but then another thought popped into his head. He paused to add,_ "'Nigga didn't listen_.'" With that beginning written, Dumbledore flicked his wrist once and the chunk of the Bread of Death propelled from his windpipe, freeing him from suffocation.

As Snape quickly regained his natural shade of "ass white" (As Dumbledore described it) in his complexion, Dumbledore raised his head and peered at him from over his half-moon glasses.

The colleague knew that look; it was a protruding grin that could only be described as the look of someone very drunk that threw up finally on the annoying drunk girl and she started crying (Yes Dumbledore has done this before and yes he blamed it on the Dementia). Professor Snape at once protested, "Do not think for a _split_ second—"

"Severus, my nigga, life…is like…a rap battle—" Dumbledore began, using the word 'my nigga' with a straight face.

"How are the lives of _British wizards _ANYTHING like a rap battle?"

"Oh Severus, poor deprived, ig'nit Severus. See, in rap battles it is one's wit, one's poetry and one's flow—"

"Flow _of what_?!" He snapped but, once again, Albus ignored him.

"That keeps a man's head above cold water. Now, it was my quick thinking that had saved your life. I had also saved you from being laughed at at your funeral when all the students would make berate you for choking to death. As we both know Griffindors are not above making 'choking on dick' jokes at your funeral. Especially Ms. Granger, despite refusing to suck dick herself." (When Snape shot him a perplexed look of shock, he explained) "I overheard Mr. Malfoy telling the two Autistic boys that follow him around that last week. You'd be surprised how much you learn when you turn out adults and just listen on what children have to say. Which, for teenagers, is surprisingly a lot about sex."

Disregarding the old man's ignorance on how teenagers Severus, who was now on the verge rage blackout, replied, "Albus I have the upmost respect for you, know that but also know your personality is, sometimes, too much for me to handle. And by that I mean I have violent urges against you half the time and the rest of the time numbing apathy." In the emotional land of Severus Snape that was pretty much a compliment since the only other feelings he have are biting rage and spiteful hate.

Nonetheless the Headmaster was not deterred and in fact smiled at him, delightfully.

Snape sighed, dropping his head to the table in defeat. "What do I have to do?"

"I don't know yet." He shrugged, rising from the table retrieving his belongings to exist the teacher's lounge. "But I will drop unexpectedly like pigeon shit to collect my favor."

"Hm, charming." Snape sneered, his upper lip curling making his notorious judgmental badger face.

"Oh Severus, don't challenge a man with a sharper mind than the stick up your ass." He replied, before giving him a smile and leaving the room to return to his knitting and second secret animated Biggie Smalls painting.


	2. The Set-Up

CHAPTER TWO: Shit

Weeks passed. April became May, night mingled with day, Voldemort continued to terrorize muggles at night with his most diabolical alter ego: Taylor Swift ("NOW MUGGLES MUST FEEL THE WRATH OF A BLONDE BITCH WHO GETS INTO TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIPS JUST FOR ATTENTION"). Yes, life continued on for everyone and sales for Voldemort's new album _Red_ skyrocketed.

Then came the worst day May 21st, at 2:19 when the doors to Snape's chambers burst open. Severus had an hour before classes and decided to work on his newest potion, but when he heard the door's to his room open, he knew that dream had died.

"Albus! What did we talk about coming in unannounced to my quarters?" Snape yelled without looking up from his cauldron.

"Oh Severus, with your dead eyes and nagging voice, if you had baby teeth and a hatred for then you'd be just like my mother." Dumbledore said with a smile.

Snape didn't respond. At least he isn't speaking in lyrics anymore, he said to himself referring to two weeks ago when he literally only spoke in Biggie lyrics:

"_Professor I would really like to discuss about what has been going on for the past semester—" Miss Granger stuttered sadly while standing in his office, teary-eyed, clearly distressed._

"_Whachu want nigga?"_

"_He's been spreading these cruel, malicious rumors about me to fellow classmates—" She began whole-heartedly, looking as if she could easily break down._

"_And if you don't know now you know nigga…"_

"_I-I-I don't want him to die—I just want this to end…He's been sexually harassing me for months—" She squeaked sorrowfully._

"_FUCK ALL Y'ALL HOES." He spurted out._

"_I wouldn't go out with him. And now, he's punishing me by saying these awful…awful things."_

"_Time to contemplate, damn, where did I fail."_

"_Nobody will talk to me. My friends abandoned me. Everyone chants in the hallway 'Hermione don't suck dick' when I walk past them—"_

"_So school I didn't show up it fucked my flow up, mom said I should grow up-"_

"_Professor I can't do this any longer! I don't want to live no more…"She began to plead, her voice cracking._

_Dumbledore paused, weighing the gravity of this situation. Then he burst out singing,_

"_SOMETIMES I HEAR DEATH KNOCKING AT MY FRONT DOOR!"_

_That was the moment where Hermione's emotional state turned to irritation and unsurprised apathy to this delirious man._

"_You're-you're gonna just keep doing that aren't you?"_

"_I'M LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE A HUSTLE—"_

"_I'm gonna go talk to a real teacher now." She stated, mostly to herself for she knew he was no longer listening, turning to exist._

"_ANOTHER DRUG TO JUGGLE ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER STRUGGLE—"_

"_Right. This is the wizard who defeated Voldemort." She muttered to herself, disenfranchised, as she slammed her office door shut._

_Dumbledore stopped singing long enough to realize her ignored the blatant cries of desperation of a bullied student. "Imma bad bad man…"_

Peering over the bubbling pot, he took a whiff and chuckled. "What are we making today Severus? A potion that cures cancer? Turns water into gold? Or to finally solve the mystery that is deep friend ice cream?"

"Albus you're looking at my tea kettle. I'm over here."

As it turn out the moon glasses were mostly for fashion but the Headmaster found it hilarious and laughed.

"Aw, how delightfully silly of my white ass!" He chuckled.

"What do you want Albus?" Snape said impatiently, stirring away.

Dumbledore paused for a moment, as if weighing his words, but smiled at him, despite Snape would almost rarely return it. He felt a honor to have known this man, contrary to popular opinion and recent poll rates written on bathroom stalls (amongst other messages of valuable insight such as 'DON'T FUCK POTTER HE'S GOT WIZARD HERPES' and 'HERMIONE DON'T SUCK DICK' both suspiciously written in the same handwriting). He only wished more people would know the pleasure he felt of truly knowing, understanding and, dare say, loving Severus Snape.

"How do I begin this—Severus…you look…old."

Snape's eyes literally blew up like a threatened blowfish. "This coming from a guy who lost his virginity to a druid?"

"You and I both know it was a drunken one-night stand. It's not my fault even before the Celtics became Irish; the Irish knew how to drink." He said defensively.

Snape exhaled so deeply he felt like a deflated whoopee cushion. "Where is this going exactly?"

"Severus let's face it. You're obsession with a dead mom has gone on long enough." He was, of course, referencing the fact that Severus Snape spent the last two decades trying to win the love of a woman who privately, but loudly, had sex with his enemy.

"No…no it hasn't." He replied weakly, as he inconspicuously faced down a candid photo of Lily Potter when they were sixteen (Voldemort: "AKA his masturbation photo.")

"You need to move on. You're not getting any younger. Which is why I set you up on a blind date."

"No." It was a simple but concise answer.

"Well you're "no" can suck my dick because you owe me and if you don't go, I'll pretend to have another "old man episode" and "forget" to wear pants tomorrow. And you and I _both_ know I boycotted underwear ever since I turned 100."

There wasn't much room for argument after that. "Fine. ONE HOUR."

" Thank you Severus. I just want you to have a shot at true happiness. The happiness of the love of another, which is truly the greatest miracle a man can possess. And, frankly, I feel like if you got your dick pulled you wouldn't be such an asshole." If Dumbledore was anything, he was a man of honesty.

Pause. "Valid point."

"Word, plus I kinda blew off Miss Granger's crying pleas for help the other day so I think if you are mean to her she'll just end up pulling a For Real Mr. Potter Stunt."

"You're just doing all sorts of grand things lately." Snape remarked sarcastically, but he sighed. "So, when is it?"

"Tomorrow, seven o'clock. I set it up at this restaurant in Diagon Alley called 'That Place With Food'."

"That's…accurate?"

"Yeah, anyway dress like you aren't going to a gothic kid's funeral and you should do fine."

"Albus, please. How do you even know if we will hit it off?"

That was when the Headmaster gave off his signature lopsided smirk and simply said, "Trust me, you'll love her."


	3. Ariel likes Coronas

Chapter Three: Ariel Likes Coronas

Dumbledore arrangement had to be located at the quietest, most least occupied restaurant in the Diagon Alley food court. This prompted Snape to bit the inside of his cheek again, a habit he acquired due to the years of literally biting back rage. Five minutes had past, the hostess has not seated two people. The waitress was drinking nervously in the kitchen, after seeing she was going to be Professor Snape's server, she began to convulse and cry violently.

Since there was no background noise from other customers, Snape could hear the young girl from the kitchen clearly. He did not remember her name (or if she was a student, he did have a habit of terrorizing neighbors, mailmen, cashiers of gas stations) but he did not blame her.

Seventeen minutes now, Snape immediately presumes the woman had a change in desperation and gave up on the night faster than he already did. He decided to forget the dinner and go back to Hogwarts, hopefully choke on another turkey on wheat. As he rose to his feet, the restaurant had received another customer for the first time in twenty minutes.

She was…a red head.

_Oh Albus…Oh, you—dog_. Snape said to himself, face physically frozen but, mentally, his lip curled into a ravished smile.

She walked without gravity, effortlessly like a flowing stream between the vacant aisles. Her hair, vibrant as blood (like the flow of blood that abruptly switched directions from his original head to his other…head) merely moved with her body not on its own, as if in tuned with a weightlessness that she was accustomed. Snape could not help but study her, she captivated him merely by walking.

The woman approached the table and flashed him a warm, rose-stained smile. Snape felt, for the first time in 16 years his heart pause. Not stop, his heart has stopped before but mostly when Voldemort gets into his "moods" and goes on his brutally torturing muggles who look like Harry Potter (God help the pale and nerdy-looking boys of the world).

Naturally he assumed all signs of hope and happiness was childish and was ready for this date to end bitterly.

"Hello," She spoke first. "Can I assume you are Severus?"

(Voldemort: "OH GOD SHE HAS THE VOICE OF A PORNSTAR!")

"You say that I am," Snape replied simply, gesturing her to sit. "Please sit."

She did and for a second, Severus was able to study her in secrecy as she seated herself. She wore no jewelry. She wore a simple emerald green dress that hung just above the knee to reveal two endless legs. Her eyes were as big as the sea and the same color as well. Despite wishing to stare at her longer, he felt the silence burdening and if he continued this way would end with a restraining order.

As he took his seat, he began: "So, Albus never gave me a name to assume by…"

She smiled again. He wished she would stop smiling, so help him if she turned out to be an idiot or a crazy idiot. Or Catholic. "My name is Ariel."

"Do you have a last name?"

"I did…but it belonged to my ex-husband and I didn't like it anyway."

"Did you have a last name before your marriage?"

"No, I was a mermaid back then too. Last names didn't really matter because we go by 'Ariel daughter of Triton' or 'Ariel, seventh daughter of Triton'." Ariel stated nonchalantly.

Snape was taken aback by her honesty.

"You…were a mermaid?"

"Yes." (When seeing the look of incomprehension of his face, she added) "I'm sorry if I'm coming off too blunt but I figure if we're going to exchange pleasantries I should be honest."

Oddly enough for a double agent spy, Snape appreciated the honesty.

Before he had a chance to reply, the waitress finally came to their table. Her eyes were puffy and red, having no attempts to disguise her obvious crying.

"My name is Terrnain and I will be your server for the night," She introduced in a soft, trepid voice. _Damn, still no idea who she is_, he said to himself. "Our special for the night is tomato bisque served in our special dragon egg bowl, which you can eat. Should we start off with drinks?"

Ariel glanced at him, waiting for his reaction.

Snape didn't skip a beat. "I would like a hot cup of green tea."

"W-we don't have green tea…" The poor girl stammered with a flinch.

"Do you have beer?" Ariel piped up, quizzically.

The waitress looked at his date incredulously, for this woman with looks that she herself would envy was sharing a table with Severus Snape. "Um…we have Coronas."

"We'll take two." Snape confirmed, noticing out of the corner of his eye the smile that curled on the woman's face.


	4. Selling Souls and Other Conversations

CHAPTER FOUR: Selling Souls and other conversations

The waitress had left to go hysterically cry some more. The two of them returned to face the rest of their conversation. Ariel smiled at him, and from what he could tell, it was very genuine. He returned one to her and didn't regret wasting it like he usually did when he smiled once a year.

He spoke first: "I didn't know the merfolk knew about the different types of beers."

"Where you think the phrase 'drinks like a fish' came from? Back in the day, we used to put pirates to shame!" (Her sense of humor was beginning to be his favorite thing about the young woman) "But I honestly thought Coronas were a Muggle beer before I came to the Wizarding World."

"Actually, it's funny you know how it's known for being the 'King of Mexican beers'? Well that's because it really was made by the King of Mexico. Well, the Magical Mexico anyway. The real one's just full of poverty and sadness."

"Magic Mexico had a king?"

As if anything in that sentence wasn't already hard to believe Snape went on to explain, "Back in the 1500's, Chupacabras destroyed the King's city and ate his cousin. A war ensued, but the King decided using his wand was too easy on them. So, he incised an idea, using his Hippogriff he led them to their drinking well and had his pet drool into it, for it had a very serious drooling problem. It took the creatures three weeks to die, which alarmed the King for he thought it would've taken a day or so. After having his least favorite son try the water, it turned out they weren't poisoned to death but all succumbed to alcohol poisoning. Hence," (at that moment the waitress had arrived with their drinks)

"Are you guys ready to order?" The poor girl asked meekly, holding back flinches.

"Ha, is it bad I forgot about eating?" Ariel laughed, looking at her menu for the first time since she sat down. "I'm honestly not hungry, if you wanna wait to order."

For once, his talents in Occulemncy came into play when he saw in her body language that she was more interested in talking. This elated the overgrown bat.

"We need a few more minutes." He said to Terrinan.

"Oh thank God," She sighed in relief as she half ran to the kitchen, able to survive another few minutes.

Snape ignored her and turned back to his date, who had raised her drink and said,

"Thanks to vengeful kings we now drink hippogriff spit with a lemon wedge in it!"

Snape raised his bottle to her, took a sip and started again,

"So…we've just ordered drinks and I find out you were a mermaid—"

"Well I still consider myself a mermaid. It's like being a recovering alcoholic: Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Ariel replied jokingly.

"You're the daughter of Triton—"

"Yep,"

"King Triton? The Lord of the Seas?"

"Yes ma'am,"

"The seventh daughter of King Triton, Lord of all Seas—"

"Poor man had to wear a tampon just to fit in," She chuckled. When Snape gave her a bewildered look, she quickly added, "That was a joke, Severus."

"Pardon me for not knowing the anatomy of the mermen and merladies. I was never awake for that class." He stated sarcastically.

"Speaking of class, Albus told me you were a professor…" She said without missing a beat. "We keep talking about me, I'd like to hear about your life since I've given you the run down."

"Not really, I haven't gotten the full story on your previous marriage and why you decided to join the air breathing community." Severus insisted with a devilish smile, he felt a small twinge of fear when he realized that this was his version of flirting.

"Oh I'm boring, trust me my story will end soon and I'll have nothing else to talk about later. At least let me listen for a little bit about your life."

Language for her ever since she got her voice back was effortless; he felt she was dangerous in the way he wanted to tell her everything. But he started small.

"I am the Potion's Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At least that's what my resume` says. That man Albus Dumbledore you met is my employer."

This was the first time her face ever changed and it went from delightfulness to bewilderment. She wasn't the first one to ask, "_That man is your boss_?"

"Yes, contrary to what you might believe he is an exceptionally professional man and extraordinary wizard." Despite it all, Snape had the upmost respect for the man.

She blinked, once, before adding, "The first time I met him he told me there was no way I was a mermaid because 'they ugly as dick'."

(Voldemort: "THIS IS THE MAN-THAT IS THE GUY WHO DEFEATED ME-TWICE. I'd kill myself if I wasn't afraid Bellatrix would defile it with her—_love juices_."

Snape remained his usual style of apathy mixed with aggravation. "Sounds right, but how were you forced to meet him?"

"Well…whenever women go through a break-up they usually do something impulsive and drastic. For me it was abandoning a world that I had already given up everything for and impulsively decided to live in a world where dragons can eat you and it'll be your fault for looking tasty."

(Dumbledore: "I told you to get 'dragon insurance'.")

"This is what most women do?"

"No…They usually get a haircut… or develop an eating disorder...stuff like that."

"Beauty shouldn't be wasted on despair." He thought aloud to which the young woman stopped talking momentarily just to blush.

"So, Albus came to my home," (she left out the part where he introduced himself as 'Headmaster Drizzy') "And explained that, since I was no longer a mermaid, some might confuse me as a Muggle since I have do not fit into a specific category of magical persons. He offered me protection on my home against though he would not find me…proper for this world."

This is when Snape felt fear and knew exactly who was causing it.

"Who did he warn you of?"

"I forgot the name of the leader but I guess he's "the aborted-fetus-looking one" who kills everyone."

(Voldemort: "…")

Distress waved over him and crashed into his abdomen but all that showed was a simple, "'the aborted-fetus-looking-one'?"

"Severus?" She said his name.

This is when he realized he wasn't keeping eye contact and was staring at a water stain on his untouched fork.

Before any of that happened, the former merlady took her hand in his. Supple, long beautiful digits held his first three unmanicured fingers, her thumb gently rubbing his pinky. This was the first time a woman had touched him in over eight years and was doing so to comfort him. Snape had to silently berate his lower half for its premature excitement. Naturally, he verbally abused it to the point where it had low self-esteem and retreated back, hopeless and lonely. ("It's just like puberty, all over again.")

Ariel patted his knuckles. Snape, who has had less physical contact from a woman than a ghost, felt warmth underneath his aged, spoiled milk colored cheeks.

(Voldemort: "What a faggot…")

"Severus, you are not the first person to sell their soul." She whispered, coaxingly. When Snape gave her an incomprehensive look, she continued, louder, "Hell, I once traded being mute for three days for legs to a cross-dressing octopus witch. But, I was sixteen and I didn't care that he didn't deserve me; I just wanted to be with him. So I traded my voice for a vagina, abandoned my family and home just for him to make a decision between a red head and a brunette."

Snape did not find any of this comforting and as he felt his blood pressure rise, he said through his teeth to once again bite back vituperative rage, "What—did that decrepit old coot tell you?"

Ariel felt she had touched a nerve, maybe some people aren't as open about selling their souls to representations of Evil as she was.

"He-he said…when you were young, you were looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, like I did and you joined that man in a moment of weakness…" Before Snape could go on, she added quickly, "But when you heard he was going to harm a woman and her family, you did everything you could to stop him and you still do to protect the child."

Anyone else could see that Dumbledore held Severus in a light like no one else and had painted him in a beautiful but vague image. Severus knew he did not expose more than what she had told him and despite the paranoia that whispered in his ear that the Headmaster would reveal this to someone else, he knew that was not true. Dumbledore both told the truth and lied and Severus, for lack of a better word, loved it.

While Severus was having an introspective moment, the poor woman waited for his reaction. Finally though, he spoke,

"He…is not lying."

Ariel gave him a weak smile. "Severus there is no shame here. I promise you that."

He chuckled. "You realize theres more to the story though?"

"I assumed…"

"To be blunt, that woman that he revealed was actually the only person to ever give me affection. And I loved her, hopelessly, to which she would marry the man who would bind, gag and use me as giant squid bait every year."

"Which giant squid?"

"The one in Lake Hogwarts."

"The head of the school didn't think that having a giant squid in a lake directly near children would be dangerous?"

"The Headmaster is Dumbledore."

Pause. "Wow, I thought nobody could top my 'love and devil-with-the-devil story' but I was wrong!"

He smirked slightly then replied, "At least you rejected him back when he rejected you."

"Eh…not really. He just wanted bragging rights in saying 'I'm fucking a mermaid'. Once everyone got sick of hearing it, he got sick of me. So...goodbye fish woman." The defined human said, all with a nonchalant laugh.

"Pray tell you commanded one of your shark servants to devour that man."

"I sent another one to eat his ship too just to be spiteful." She admitted grinning wide.

_She just said spiteful in a sentence. Oh, let this ravishing woman be female and unschizophrenic this time so I may have eternal bliss_. He said to himself, unadmittedly fearful this would end acerbically.

"Screw them—their losses." Ariel insisted with a shrug. "They just lost two dumbasses who would've loved them endlessly."

"I couldn't agree more." Snape murmured to her, raising his bottle to her's. After a drink, he wondered, "So, how did I even get mentioned when you met the wise and wonderful Albus? And how did he manage to throw my life story in there?"

"Well, he kept talking about his new hobby of people watching and when I lied and said, 'oh that's interesting' he took that as cue to show me all the notes he keeps of you… How are you not creped the fuck out by that man?"

"…We think its dementia…"

"Ah,"

"Can I hear what he wrote?" He asked curiously with a devilish grin.

"No." She grinned playfully.


	5. GIANT SQUID ATTACK

Chapter Five: Giant Squid Attack

They never ate that night. Eventually they'd leave the restaurant and walked aimlessly for a bit and talked, endlessly.

"So, what is this Hogwarts like?"

"Hogwarts has been both my home away from home and the place I'm surely going to die in for over twenty years." Snape implored with a rare hint of sentimentality. "It's where my childhood began and where it violently ended."

"Sounds…awful?"

"No, no not at all." He sighed, pensively.

This is when Ariel grabbed both his hands and suggested excitedly, "Take me to Hogwarts, _Professor Snape_."

In the twenty some-odd years he has spent at Hogwarts, Snape was about to finally accomplish a goal he's had since he was fifthteen—taking a girl back to his bedroom.

Within seconds they were at Lake Hogwarts, where the boats docked for the first year students, underneath a giant weeping willow tree. When they landed, she almost protested why they were not in the castle until she saw the view ahead. Illuminated by a bright, orange moon, there Hogwarts stood not four miles away. It stole her breath.

"I'm sorry but we can't apparate, or use magic, to transport inside Hogwarts." He informed to a wide-eyed Ariel.

"I used to vacation in Atlantis and their pantheons look like a crackhouse compared to this place." Ariel declared awestruck, being an appreciator of beauty.

"I love the way you use similes." Snape sighed softly.

Ariel smiled, hugging his elbow into her side. Despite all instincts otherwise, the Potion's Master took a leap of faith and kissed the former merlady on the top of her head. Without missing a beat, Ariel faced her date and said, "Well I guess I'm gonna hafta make the first move." She grabbed his face and plunged forward mashing her face into his. For a few precious seconds, Snape's snake was able to make an escape without torment.

That was until the giant squid from Lake Hogwarts erupted from the lake's surface, snatched the trans-species woman from her waist and dragged her with him into the blackened depths, leaving Snape in a blaze of shock, heartbreak and confused horniness.

"ARIEL!" He bellowed out.

He whipped out his wand and was about to scream out borage of spells, when the giant squid ejected back to the surface land. He shot up almost eighty feet tall, letting out horrible dark screams. Ariel was in his tentacles with an unexplainable sword in her hands. Without thinking he shot out the Stupefy spell. The marine cephalopod froze his tentacles still in the air. Taking this opportunity, he wordlessly performed Accio, which brought her back to him. She landed on her feet, panting.

"How long was I gone for?!" She let out, in one breath.

"What? For a half-a-second why?"

"I was with the lady of the lake…I helped her find a new apartment…She gave me this sword when I helped her move…" Looking down at the sword with an ice-blue blade and a handle made out stone, she asked aloud, "Who the hell is _Excalibur_?"

Snape glanced down at the legendary sword. "Essentially, a really heavy paper weight."

Wizards weren't impressed by Arthurian tales anymore and once Dumbledore came into the picture, Merlin was suddenly replaced by a crazier, beard-ier old wizard.

"Eh, it's the thought that counts."

Looking back at eighty foot tall sea creature that stood frozen in air, Snape inquired, "What did this beast want of you?"

"Oh, that was just Ninianne. She always has a sea monster kidnap me whenever she wants to hangout. Ha ha ha, the last time we hung out she sent Moby Dick after me. Ha ha, classic Ninianne." She said with a laugh. "Thank you though."

"Of course," He replied, unable to take his eyes off of her.

Ariel took a gander at the man in black, her eyes lowered in wanting.

"You know…this is the fastest someone's gotten me wet on a date." Her voice rumbled playfully, stepping towards Snape holding perfect eye contact.

_Thank you, Ninianne you crazy bitch_ he thought to himself as Ariel was now chest to chest with his body. He could feel her warmth penetrate through sopping wet clothes and he grabbed her waist, pulling himself into her, the last thing on his mind was that his robes will get wet.

After eight years, four months, twenty-six days and fourteen hours, the nonexistent sex life of Severus Snape was back in full swing. He was pleasantly surprised to find his duration was fifty minutes longer than he had expected, but come to find out as he was in the grove with this energetic beauty he wanted to go on endlessly. Both of them did as they moved together, wanting nothing more than the other to be satisfied. Their consummation was sweet, dirty and sweaty and, as Snape reached his grand finale (to ratio with Ariel's three or four, she lost count) simultaneously they went in for a breathless kiss.

Afterwards, they talked for a half-hour, mostly just giggling awkwardly, asking for validation, and both receiving glowing reviews, they fell asleep in each other's arms.

The last thought to enter Snape's head: _Albus, you old bastard, thank you_.

The last to enter Ariel's: _Thank you Headmaster Drizzy_.

The next morning, a Monday, Snape woke up from a sleep so deep it took one or two bags from underneath his eyes. For a good minute, he felt a sensation of pride fill his lungs as he took the first breath of the day. The moment escaped when he noticed he was alone.

He sat up straight, looking for the scattered pieces of clothing that they, in a frenzy, discarded. They were gone.

Snape was surprised by his initial emotion of genuine sadness and sharpened disappointment, a feeling normally reserved whenever he realized he still had to take care of Harry. If Voldemort were to penetrate his mind, he'd be taunting him:

"Faggot."

He sighed. He attempted to assuage himself, at least she had given him one night of happiness again, to which he was grateful for but it was in vain. He hoped for more with Ariel. He hoped she'd stay. It was not five seconds after he discovered she was gone, that he'd missed her.

Despite brief homicidal thoughts of blowing up the school in a mass suicide bombing, Severus would rise out of bed and dress himself.

He walked out of his chambers, catching the faint whiff of sex for the last time before entering the rest of his quarters.

That's when he saw her again. She sat sideways on his favorite chair, her long legs draped over the armrest, kicking the air restlessly as if wishing for the resistance of the ocean again. She used her fingers to comb her hair as she sang to herself softly in beautiful harmony,

_"Meet me beneath my balcony and say 'No one but you can ever fill my light'_

_ "Be the sunlight in my every day_

_ "Underneath my balcony and I'll say_

_ "No one but you can fill my light_

_ "Be the sunlight in my every day_"

Even as she sung in a whisper, it bewitched him entirely. That is when Snape knew he fell in love with this siren, this former merlady, this Ariel.

"Oh! I'm sorry Severus! Did I wake you up?" She cried out, noticing him standing in the doorway.

"You sing…divinely." He responded in almost a trance.

"Oh please, all mermaids can sing. We're good at singing, drinking and sending sailors to shipwrecks." She dismissed as she sat properly in his chair. "So, sleep well?"

He smiled.

"Wanna go out again?" Snape was impressed by his own spontaneity,

This is when she smiled. "Of course! I'm free this Saturday—"

"I meant now."

"Now? Don't you have class?"

"Fuck it. The kids won't miss me anyway." He shrugged. "I kinda hate them all anyway."

(Students: "We kinda wish you would die already." Harry: "I kinda wish I would die already." Students: "Shut up, Harry.")

"Oh Severus I'd love to but don't shirk your responsibilities for me…"

"Ariel I haven't taken a day off in five years and this is Hogwarts. If Albus can take two months off for Biggie Smalls detoxification, I can play hooky."

"Biggie Smalls what?"

"He's obsessed with this hip-hop artist named Biggie Smalls, anyway it's not important. What do you say? Spend the day with me?" He asked in an exaggerated fashion, kneeling down on one knee as if professing Shakespearean love.

Ariel thought for a brief second, and then asked, "Will you pay for breakfast?"

"I'll buy you whatever you want." He said, meaning every word.

"All I want is French toast." She giggled.

"Ah, you're easy too. I love it." He teased, lunging forward to nuzzle her neck with multiple kisses, to which she screamed and giggled more, embracing him as they kissed.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**I'm sorry about the hastiness of my works, after re-reading the earlier chapters and noticing some serious errors. Anyway, the song in this chapter that Ariel sung was Emilie Autumn's **_**Willow**_**. The lyrics that Dumbledore used in chapter two are from the following songs by Biggie: **_**"Whatchu want" featuring the Commission "Juicy""Respect" featuring Diana King "Everyday Struggle""Gimme the Loot"**_

** I recommend both artists **** Constructive criticism is welcomed!**


	6. HERMIONE

Chapter Six: The Notorious

The pair would spend no less than every day together since their date, most of the time waiting until late for them to spend at least an hour together. Many nights Ariel would spend the night and wait for him to be done with teaching.

"Severus are you sure this is alright?" Ariel asked, nervously as her lover stood before her with his wand.

"Sweetheart this school is full of ghosts. A lot of them just come here to watch students have awkward sex in the bathroom stalls." He insisted.

"Yes but…will it hurt?" She eyed the magical stick warily.

Severus gave her a small peck and rested his nose on her forehead. "Magic was never intended to hurt others."

She exhaled then returned a small kiss. She nodded once.

With a simple vertical wave down her entire body and muttered, "Transparency."

Her healthy glow fading to white, she felt the heat from her cheeks evaporate from her. She looked down only to see pearly smoke fill the outlines of her body and her shadow disappear from her feet. She was a ghost now.

"Wow…I feel…anorexic." She stated finally.

"Well lucky for you your eating disorder only lasts for six hours today." Snape said as he began to step out of his quarters and into the rest of the castle.

Ariel despite having no physical feet was able to walk over to Severus and into the hallway. Excitement erupted from her as she looked into the seemingly endless halls and tall walls, seeing infinite adventures awaiting her arrival.

Seeing the look of joy in her face made Severus think of his first time at Hogwarts and he smiled in reminiscent of those memorable days.

"You'll spend a lifetime trying to catch everything I promise you that." Snape said, with that leaving his ghostly girlfriend to experience the world that is Hogwarts.

While Ariel spent the last hour drifting in and out of classrooms (and accidentally walking in on Ron cry/eat/masturbating in the boys' bathroom), the enchanted portrait of Christopher "N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S" Wallace was having a bad day.

The reason he was having such a bad day? When he woke up, for those brief five seconds he was content with the world. Until he realized he was a talking picture hanging in the office of an old, gay British wizard (who somehow always managed to "accidentally" forget to wear pants) who was the principal of a magical school of some of the whitest, sickliest bunch of kids he has ever seen ("Like damn, these kids got cancer or something?").

Today was no better than the rest: Dumbledore's exploding bird woke him up at seven o'clock again just for him to be stared down at by the dead eyes of various other old, pasty men and women paintings.

Biggie Smalls sighed deeply.

"What da fuck am I doin' here? God damnit Tupac I know this is your fault somehow."

Tupac Shakur was indeed not the reason for his current demise but somewhere in a thug mansion high above the zenith of the sun, Mr. Shakur was pissing himself laughing at his rival's ill-fate.

But as the depressed rapper looked around for the Headmaster, he was perplexed to see he was gone.

"Oh fuck yeah! I'm breezing from this bitch!" He implored excitedly.

Grunting as hard as he could, the old school rapper tried to will himself off of his pedestal which sat beside Dumbledore's deck. After a minute, he stopped, exhausted.

He looked around, figuring they could be of help.

"Yo!" He called out to the portrait opposite of him. "How did I get out of this?"

"You can't _physically _get out." Informed the painting picture of Alfred Roccini, the man with the world's longest beard.

"Da fuck you mean physically? I don't do physicals. Not after the last one."

"No I mean you _can_ move. It's just you can move from picture to picture."

"So…are there pictures outside of this faggot's office?"

"Oh yes quite. A whole castle of them."

"Good shit! Fuck all y'all hoes!" The rapper said with a laugh as he strode out of his portrait and elbowing several predeceased wizards in the face in a mad dash for freedom.

As the N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S B.I.G was terrorizing other portraits in a desperate attempt in escaping, Hermione was making her own attempts to escape. Buried deep into the school's library, she had built her own fortress of seclusion, surrounding herself with books to keep her company. She sat a small round blue table, with her back against the wall so no one would be able to recognize her from the back of her hair.

Her only company was the portrait of the Girl with the Pearl Earring but today she sat alone (the Girl with the Pearl Earring was getting an earache from her hysterical cries). Hermione had known of bullying her entire life. Before Hogwarts girls her age never understood her passion for learning or reading or school (also she was kind of a bossy asshole but even by British standards she's still not that bad). But Hogwarts was home and now, as she clutched the pages of her book with dear life, she became overwhelmed with the urge to forgo strength.

At once, Hermione Granger broke down into tears and not one friend of hers was around to comfort her.

"Ow! OW!" Cried out a girlish voice from behind her.

"I TOLD YOU TO MOVE, DI'NT I?" Bellowed a heavy voice back, which turned out to belong to Biggie.

As Biggie began to flee forward, he glanced down to see a huge cat ball crying. At least he was going to ignore it, but then he realized it was a girl crying. He watched small shoulders heave up and down as she sobbed into an open book. His heart sank, which it was already sunken deeper into his chest thanks to years of eating steak two times a day, for the girl.

"Hey, hey you." Biggie called out for her attention.

Hermione stopped crying, confused, and looked around.

"Nigga behind you."

She turned out and was startled by the cross-eyed stare of a dark-skinned Jamaican who was wearing one pearl earring.

"I know you…you're that crying girl that Dumble-dick didn't help out." The rapper said.

"Y-ye-yeah. I'm the crying girl," she sniffled, trying to maintain control as she wiped away tears with her palms. "And you're the rapper that always screams out death threats at strangers."

"Yeah," He replied with a chuckle. "Why you always crying, crying girl?"

"I usually don't…" Hermione hiccupped, lowering her head insecurely.

"I can tell you usually don't. But why are you now?"

"Oh…it's-it's silly. Its silly girl problems, you wouldn't understand…" She muttered through sniffles, her face turning red in embarrassment that others were pitying her.

"Why's that? Because I'm just black man you don't think I don't know what it's like to be marginalized in a society of whitey McGees? Shit, all I do in Dumble-douchebag's office is shout off stereotypical black ghetto shit like 'Fuck all y'all hoes' and 'niggas bleed just like us'. God forbid I hold an intelligent conversation, people think I've gone soft or worse, white."

"I understand where you're coming from, I do, but…how does this parallel with the fact I've been getting sexually harassed?"

"Think about it shawty. Who gets discriminated against the most in society?"

"Black people?"

"Nope. Women. Because you're either a slut or a lesbian or worse, fat. You're demanded to be seen as a decoration and Lord help you if you want equal rights because then you're just a bitchy feminist who won't put out."

"That's the whole reason I'm miserable in the first place…" She stuttered, choking back the flood of tears.

"Because you won't put out?" When she nodded, he added, "Honey I don't blame you at all. I've seen the boys here. Shit, good thing they got accents because I wouldn't fuck them with Dumble-dick's dick. No homo."

Hermione let out a small laugh.

"Whatchu laughin' at?" He shouted at her suspiciously.

"No! Not at you! Just at 'dumble-dick' and all that." She insisted, alarmingly.

"Oh, sorry I'm not used to people using their moufs to laugh. I'm used to shoving guns into moufs." He apologized, leaving out the other objects he forced into mouths but felt that wasn't appropriate information for the young girl.

Hermione laughed again.

"Aw, well I'm glad _you _think I'm kidding." Mr. Wallace stated.

"I know you're not but I haven't stopped crying in months so it's just nice to give my eyes a chance to rest." She replied with a soft sigh, remembering her troubles.

"It's been that bad?"

"The boy who bullies me paid a songwriter to come up with a new song insulting me every week."

"What's the song this week?"

"'Granger's a stranger to the dangers of sex because she's a pest with small breasts and dead dog breath'."

"First of all, sweetie, you are seriously the best looking person I've seen in this entire school. Everyone else looks like incest British royalty. Second, I can kill a nigga." He offered nonchalantly.

"No…that's alright." She declined, slightly scared.

"No seriously I can stab nigga's and watch their souls go from their eyes. So stabbing a few teenagers won't bother me none."

"I appreciate the offer but I just want this to end…I just want to be happy again."

Mr. Wallace thought for a moment then had a solution.

"I had a solution that doesn't involve violent retaliation." He propositioned.

"What does it involve?"

"Aggressive threatening."

"Hm, it sounds promising but is it effective?"

"Honey it'll be as effective as you want it to be. But I need something first."

"Anything that isn't offensive and I can help you."

"Okay, can you make me dead again?

Snape would end up using his substantial amount of sick days spending the day with Ariel, to which not one student cared, except for Hermione, who was using schoolwork to submerge herself from the psychological traumas of bullying and repeated sexual harassment. Though on the fair amount of days that he would return to work, Snape would be—well—tolerable.

His mood swings had become much more stable and his swallowing depression had decreased dramatically. He no longer snapped at first years for making inevitable mistakes and instead calmly explained to avoid said mistakes. Harry was no longer taking abuse anymore, replacing seething rage with indifference. Yes, he wasn't the nicest person to him but he didn't go out of his way to pick on him so it was still a shock for the poor boy.

The biggest shock to the students just last week when Hermione, in a small voice, asked,

"Sir?"

He was jotting down notes, when he looked up at the poor girl, whose look of confidence and bright possibilities was replaced with meekness and trepidation.

She cleared her throat. "There are no more dragon scales in the cabinets…"

"Oh," He got from his chair and went into the back room where he kept a full supply of ingredients. He returned to his seat and handed the jar to the girl. "Thank you Miss. Granger."

The class went dead silent.

Everyone was in shock. Asking Professor Snape for the most menial of things included two things: Verbal abuse and detention for making his cholesterol go up again. Plus, it was Hermione who asked whom he hated almost as much as Neville but only two-thirds as much as Harry. She should've received more abuse than the casual student.

Hermione was paralyzed in particular; this was the closest thing to kindness she's received all week.

"Is there anything else?" Snape inquired in a calm tone.

She shook her head.

"Then are you finished with your assignment?"

"Um—I am but—"

"Then let's see it." He got up from his chair and walked over to Hermione's table where a cauldron of gold and blue bubbled passively.

The class sighed in relief. Snape was about to humiliate her in front of the class for being a know-it-all and berating her perfectly fine project. Things would go back to normal.

"Hm, well done." He commented as he peered down into the cauldron. "Two points for Gryffindor."

Draco fainted. Neville vomited in his mouth. Ron was nervously trying to eat his wrist. The rest of the class feared for their lives.

Hermione, on the other hand, was so happy she could cry. It has been her goal for five years to get Snape to validate her somehow and she did it.

Yes, children our Snape was finally content with the world.

Days blended with weeks and weeks formed into a few months, Snape and Ariel would fall increasingly in love with each other. It took a day for Snape to know he loved her and only two months before he would tell her. Life was good again for the both of them.

But as the school year approached and having scheduled his world tour for mid-July, Voldemort was itching to have some fun of his own.


End file.
